Palaver
by ledez-dreams
Summary: A discussion between Zoe and Simon late at night after the events of "The Message." A quick study of two characters I want to know better. Hopefully the exchange enriches them both, probably more Simon than Zoe. It was meant to be short but it turns out they had quite a bit to say to each other. Mal/Simon, but blink and you'll miss it.


They had left the snow on St. Albans. But the chill had followed them onto the ship.

Wash was long in bed, had left his wife and the Captain a couple of hours ago with an empathetic look for both and a kiss goodnight for Zoe. Mal had finally stumbled away at Zoe's insistence that they all needed a functioning Captain the next day. Uncharacteristically, Zoe didn't take her own advice; she'd function tomorrow but not without a headache. She had however switched from their whisky store to Kayleigh's moonshine. She watched the amber liquid swirl around in the brown ceramic mug as she sat quietly alone. No point in running out of the good stuff on a day like today.

Tracey's family _had_ asked Serenity's crew to stay after they had laid him to rest. But they hadn't. No one had much felt like it. The good stories from the old days had been told already, now there was nothing left to say. They certainly couldn't tell Tracey's family any of what had really happened. Neither Mal nor Zoe found they could stomach lies, even to do so as a kindness. The crew had paid heartfelt, if restrained respects to Tracey's family before going back to the ship and taken off. Wash had set a vague sort of course for Verbena, if only to have a destination. Mal just wanted them in the black, and they'd fuelled up back at the space station and wouldn't have to dock again for weeks if they didn't want to. There was the business of the Lassiter, but it would wait.

Dinner had been a short and somber affair, cooked by Jayne and Kayleigh. Most of the crew retreated to their bunks after, Inara to her shuttle. Even River had been uncharacteristically quiet, Zoe couldn't recall her speaking at all during the meal, which was a rarity these days. Shepherd Book had stayed behind to wash up, but made a swift exit after finishing, headed off to meditate or pray no doubt. Leaving Wash, Zoe and Mal around the table, sharing quiet drinks. A much different tone than the previous evening. Had it only been the night before that the two ex soldiers had regaled Wash and Inara with old stories about Tracey and the war? Good memories in spite of or because of bad times. Though the memories she always thought she would cherish had lost a bit of their shine in light of the day they'd just been through. Nothing was sacred it seemed, not even the past.

Her melancholy reflection was interrupted by a quiet shuffle in the hallway, the sound of someone approaching. She looked up from the mug of 'shine she'd been studying, fully expecting to see her husband, awake and wondering where she was. In fact, it was Simon that came in, his bare feet padding lightly on the floor. He wore grey pyjama pants, a blue t-shirt and his dark hair was a little mussed as though he'd been running his hands through it. Zoe couldn't recall a time in which she'd seen Simon dressed in anything so casual. It made him seem even more boyish than Usual. He didn't see her and she didn't announce her presence as she observed him fill the kettle with water and place it on the element, fully engrossed in his task. There was a looseness to his movements he didn't have when among the crew, or not around Zoe and Mal at least. When he at last turned away from the stove, he jumped a bit at Zoe sitting there.

"Just me, Doctor," Zoe replied, as though he couldn't see that for himself. She raised her cup in silent salutation.

"I didn't expect anyone to be up." His widened eyes calmed after a moment and he gave a small chuckle. "You startled me a bit."

"Thought I'd stay up for a spell. I just didn't quite feel ready for sleep tonight."

"Oh. Well that makes sense I suppose. Are you... okay?" Simon grimaced a bit after the words came out of his mouth. "That's a dumb question to ask, I'm sorry."

"No it ain't," Zoe shook her head. "And it was kindly meant." Instead of answering however, she changed the subject. "What are you doing up so late, everything alright with River?"

"She's fine," Simon answered. Then his mouth twisted a bit and he raised his eyebrows ironically with a look Zoe could well read. _As fine as she ever is._ "I was looking through some journals on the Cortex, doing some research before bed. Then I just never went to bed." The boy sort of sagged a bit as he pinched the bridge of his nose. He suddenly looked tired in a way she'd not seen him wear before. Zoe wondered if she was seeing the _real_ Simon. A man who felt the bone tired weariness that was plain on his face more often than not, but kept it hidden from everyone.

"I really don't sleep much." His voice muffled by his hand still upon his face. Zoe nodded, though he couldn't see her. And then, perhaps feeling aware of giving too much away, he straightened himself and turned his back to Zoe and busied himself with the kettle. "Anyway. I was just going to make some tea and go back to my bunk, I won't bother you."

Zoe hesitated. She had stayed out here instead of going to be with Wash because she'd felt she needed some time alone. Yet now that he was here... The drink and day's events had given her feelings a maudlin tinge. She found herself wanting Simon to stay.

"Would you consider forgoing the tea for something stronger Doctor?" He turned back, looking a little shocked. Zoe and Simon didn't exactly spend a lot of time together. Even after all his months on Serenity, Zoe supposed that they still really didn't even know each other all that well. "I wouldn't mind the company." She reassured him. Or perhaps reassured herself that she did in fact not mind company.

After a slightly prolonged silence, Simon shrugged and flipped the element off on the stove before taking the seat adjacent to her. She poured some of the 'shine into Mal's old mug and pushed it towards the doctor. If he minded it being already having been used, Simon didn't comment, just raised the cup to his lips and drank, wincing only slightly at the pungency. Not nearly the wince she'd witnessed from him a few months back when he'd tried it for the first time. In small ways he was adjusting.

"What a day." He sighed, setting the cup back down, but not letting go of it and closing his eyes.

"Not many like this, which is a blessing." Zoe agreed before falling silent. She turned her gaze back to her own mug, focusing again on the liquid, hearing the soothing hum of Serenity. She was only half aware of Simon toying with his own cup alongside her, radiating uncertainty.

I'm sorry, about Tracey." Simon at last said, bearing the silence no more.

"No call for you to be sorry, nothin' you did brought this on." Zoe replied shortly not meeting his eyes. She saw Simon bow his head back down and nod politely. He was so _cautious_ around her, she felt a brief flash of irritation at the weakness.

His eyes closed again, Zoe took the opportunity to study the doctor. She supposed she had to allow that the doctor may have good reason to be hesitant. They were friendly enough on the surface, but he'd come up against Mal enough times that it made sense how cautious he was around Mal's second in command. And still, he was _trying_. Realizing she'd been the one who'd invited the doctor to stay with her, common decency dictated that she had to give something in return. She looked up and put her hand lightly on his arm. His eyes opened and met hers.

"Thank you, Simon." Zoe said quietly. Simon nodded with a tentative smile, then looked away.

"Well I did do the autopsy so it might not be nothing, not exactly." Simon commented after a moment.

 _"_ What's that?"

"Tracey. He probably wouldn't have woken up for another few hours or so if he hadn't had a scalpel blade slicing down his chest. So in a way, I might be a tad responsible."

"You don't really believe that, do you?" Zoe asked, incredulous.

"Well, no, not really," Simon admitted. His mouth twitched in a twisted sort of mirth. "I'm just used to feeling guilty and responsible for one thing or another here, usually involving my sister. So I figure, _hey_ , it doesn't hurt to add something new to the mix. Variety is the spice of life. But no, he was waking up one way or another, it was just a matter of time."

Zoe thought back to the days events consideringly.

"Well you're fault or not, it's good he woke up when he did. Imagine if he hadn't and we'd somehow managed to deliver him none the wiser. _Jiàn tā de guǐ,_ if it had been his family who'd had to deal with the Feds... at least we were equpped to deal with it." She shuddered, thinking of how as bad as things went, at least his family never had to know such suffering. "The whole thing is bad business." She added darkly.

"Yes I think I can agree with you on that count." After that they both sat, not really knowing what more to say.

"So what were you researching, Doc?" Zoe finally asked idly, running her fingers over the flaws in the wood of the table.

"I thought I'd brush up on the illegal transplant trade." Simon replied casually.

That made Zoe glance up in surprise. She couldn't picture the Doctor researching anything other than River's condition, the one subject he never seemed to tire of. The only thing he ever seemed to have _any_ interest in really. "What made you want to look more into that?"

"Well after everything that happened, I wanted to better understand the finer aspects. We'd get patients like Tracey occasionally in Capital City on Osiris. After they'd had the smuggled organs emptied out and their own replaced back into them. It didn't take long after the procedure for the patients to realize something was wrong. Lots of poor patch jobs with third rate surgical teams, the infection rate high, far beyond the benchmark. Not to mention other complications that cropped up along the way."

"So you'd seen this beforehand?"

"Yes, but only later on when I'd been consulted for surgery. That's why I couldn't diagnose it today, I'd never actually seen someone present myself." Simon grimaced. "The outcomes were horrific. We even had one patient who'd had the _wrong_ persons organs put into him, can you believe that?"

"No Doctor, I surely can't." Zoe replied quietly.

"I always wondered what had happened to the other person. There had to have been someone else walking around with the other set of organs, but we never found them." Simon mused. "Not surprising though, those procedures are carried out in places like Persephone, Ezra, _Albion_ at best. Never Osiris. Whoever those organs belonged to was probably long gone by the time our patient presented in Capital City."

He said it all with a clinical detachment that Zoe found bothersome. He spoke as though these were abstract concepts, not folks' _lives_. His brow furrowed as he continued, "You know, based on his vitals, I couldn't say with confidence that Tracey would have survived even if he _had_ made the delivery and had his organs restored." He started to take another sip of his drink but then seemed to remember where he was and stopped to flash her an apologetic look. "That was possibly not the best thing to say, under the circumstances."

"Possibly not," Zoe agreed quietly. Despite The implied apology, the arrogance of the doctor's demeanour was getting under her skin a mite.

"I just... I mean I didn't ask where he was planning to have the procedure, but given his circumstances, and the fact he thought he could take a better offer, I don't imagine he would have been with a very reputable group. Not that _any_ of them are all that reputable, but like anything, there are varying degrees of quality. A better outfit would have followed him more closely. He certainly picked one of the worst in a bad situation."

She could hardly believe what she was hearing. She leaned in closer, Simon remaining oblivious to his companion's shift in mood.

"So it's just a professional morbid curiosity of yours to do your _research_ into what some folks are reduced to out here 'n order to survive?" Zoe asked, her voice deceptively calm.

"Well yes." Simon answered, puzzled, as thought that should be obvious. Zoe's fingers clenched hard around her drink.

Whatever had driven Tracey to his actions, wrong as they were, that boy had been _hard up_. As many ex-soldiers had been after the war, and still were, Zoe and Mal included on some days, though she knew well they were luckier than most. These were _people_ , driven to do these horrific things because they had no other options, not because they were _stupid_.

She couldn't decide if it was worth not-so-politely informing the good doctor of that fact or just getting up and leaving the table. Before she could decide which, Simon continued speaking.

"It's not just that though. Mostly I wanted to get an understanding of how it's done. _Properly_."

"How _what's_ done? The surgery?" Zoe asked through clenched teeth. Simon nodded. She scoffed at him.

"You got a new idea for a business venture, Doctor? I guess it's not a bad one. Take those who are too desperate to do any different to feed themselves, feed their families. Maybe our old friend Niska would be interested in investing."

Simon eyes shot up and found hers. He stared searchingly into her face, looking at her as though she'd grown two heads. Then she saw the dawning of comprehension on his face.

"Listen to me you condescending _h _ú_ nd_-" She stopped abruptly as Simon's hand went to her arm, his eyes wide.

"Zoe, no" he replied urgently. His hand tightened as she tried to shrug her arm back. " _No_." He repeated more firmly. She stilled her movement, looking at him expectantly.

"Like I said, this business is growing. And you're right, it pays _well_. More than a years income for most people on the border planets. Tracey was the first of many. People out here will increasingly turn to this as a means of income, of feeding themselves and their families as you say. Especially out here." He took a deep breath. " Zoe, I was researching because I need to be able to diagnose this."

Zoe felt her stomach twist painfully.

"You think we'll see this kind of thing again."

"Yes, I do. In fact I don't think it, I _know_ it."

She sat back in her chair, her breath coming out slowly through pursed lips, feeling a resigned calm replace her anger.

"And when we do, those people will need a doctor." Zoe said softly. Simon pulled his hand from her arm, sat back into his seat and smiled sadly.

"Yes, Zoe, they will. One who can diagnose them and treat them accordingly. One who can perform a proper surgery so they can get well. So they can actually have a chance to feed themselves and their families."

Zoe nodded slowly in understanding.

"I've seen firsthand what some people will do to other people for profit, including our _government_." He said _government_ like it was a dirty word. "I don't know what profit they had to gain from what they did to my sister, but I know they didn't care a good _go se_ about hurting her in the process. Just as those so-called Feds today didn't care about Tracey. They just cared about getting the merchandise.

"They are getting away with this behaviour, with treating people like they don't matter, like they are things to be bartered and sold. And I want to try and help stop it."

Zoe believed him. This boy who had risked everything to save his sister.

"I'm sorry, Simon." Sorry for immediately doubting his intentions. Now it was Zoe's turn to say it.

"It's okay. Nothing you did brought this on." Simon's soft voice echoed her words from earlier. They were her words, but they sounded so proper coming from his mouth. Despite the mood, her mouth couldn't help but twitch a little. The poor doctor stuck out like a sore thumb out here. But here he was trying to find a place out here, to do good, and she'd almost taken his meaning completely differently. She might have walked away with the wrong idea entirely.

As she studied him however, Simon seemed wholly unconcerned with how fatally she'd nearly misjudged him. She couldn't tell if that was inherent kindness or just that he was used to most of the crew constantly misjudging him. Perhaps his companions misinterpreting his words and actions were so commonplace for Simon these days he didn't even blink. She thought of the last few days, the way Kayleigh had given him the cold shoulder for something he'd said to her and how Zoe had teased him for it, for didn't he _always_ say wrong thing to _everyone_?

The thought made her sad. Maybe they didn't know how to listen.

Simon leaned over and poured them both more 'shine. It was on the tip of her tongue to protest, but the words wouldn't come out. Oh my, her headache would be bad tomorrow.

"You know, today hit a little too close to home today for me, truth be told." Simon commented lifting his drink.

"What, the business with Tracey?" Zoe raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Yes. He put all of you in danger for his own selfish gain. Just lik-"

"All of _us_ in danger." Zoe interrupted, reminding him gently that he'd left himself out.

"Yes, all of us." Simon replied softly. "I suppose that's true." He frowned, appearing to consider something else.

"He put _us_ all in danger. Just like you did once upon a time, is that what you're getting at?" Zoe prompted when he failed to continue on his own.

"Yes, like I did," He sighed. "I mean I knew I did. Even at the time, I knew exactly what I was doing. But I was desperate. And I didn't know any of you. I didn't think about the impact my actions would have on any of you. To be completely honest, I didn't _care_. I was so focused on getting River off Persephone... the captain was right to be so angry, I could have gotten you all killed."

That was true, Zoe allowed. But it also wasn't the same as Tracey.

"It wasn't selfish though Doctor. You didn't know us. You were taking care of your own."

"But it's still not entirely safe for you. It may never be. It would be better for you if River and I were gone. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I don't know if I can allow our presence here. to risk the safety of all of you."

"Even Jayne?"

Simon chuffed a laugh, but nodded. "Yes, even Jayne."

Zoe Shrugged. "Well, it ain't your call to make, it's the Captain's call. You're on the crew now, Doctor and the Captain decides what's safe and what ain't."

"Mal doesn't make my decisions for me, for my life." Simon replied. "And he certainly doesn't make decisions for River." He was calm as he said it, but Zoe detected an underlying steeliness that she'd caught glimpses of in the boy before. She'd been wrong before and Mal right. Simon was green out here, but he wasn't weak.

"He does while you're on his boat." Zoe wasn't unkind, but she was firm. _Better get used to it, Doctor because it's a fact of life out here._

"I'm here because I choose to be here. And if I choose something different, then... well then we'll see." Simon replied, equally firm.

 _And why exactly are you still here, Doctor?_

She was about to ask, then stopped. That was a road for Simon and the Captain to travel, not her.

Simon seemed to see the direction the conversation was headed to as well, and moved to steer it back.

"I'm sorry, I'm making this all about me, but it's not. This is about your friend."

"Your situation wasn't the same as Tracey's way I see it Doctor." Zoe felt that needed to be cleared up. "You were saving your sister, and no one finds fault in what you did. the same way the Captain wouldn't hesitate to go through Hell to save his crew. You prioritize and make decisions based on the ones you love. Tracey chose to cross those he knew, and I don't think you would ever intentionally do that to any of us."

"Even Jayne." Simon said wryly.

"As you said," Zoe agreed with a grin. Her grin faded though as she once again considered her fallen comrade. "Tracey. He wasn't all good and after all he did to us and the lack of faith he showed in the Captain to keep him safe... Well I can't say with certainty he didn't deserve what he got. And that just about tears me apart." She looked down into her drink. This was the fight she'd been having with herself all night. Reconciling the Tracey she had known with the Tracey who had so thoughtlessly led them into danger. Who had taken Kayleigh as a hostage, had threatened them all.

"Like I said, Tracey wasn't all good. But he wasn't all bad neither." She shook her head sadly, "Probably more stupid than anything else."

"Yes, I think that's true. But I guess I..." He waved his hand vaguely. "I guess what I mean to say is that I know what it means to be desperate too. And I know first hand that people don't always make good decisions when they're desperate. We hurt the ones we love, and come to regret it." He looked at Zoe seriously. "So again I want you to know I'm not just trying to be nice when I say that I'm sorry about your friend."

For a moment, Zoe was speechless. First time in a long while, somewhat mortifyingly, Zoe found her eyes filling with tears.

"Thank you Doctor." She said again, this time meaning it. She and Simon shared a long look before she held up her mug in silent cheers. Simon nodded, held his in turn and they took a long pull each. Then sat for a few moments in silent contemplation. She had a sneaking suspicion that Simon was giving her time to compose herself, without making it too obvious. After a few minutes she did.

"So you and Kayleigh are speaking again?"

" _What_?" Simon choked out.

"I just noticed you two at the funeral is all. Looks like you patched things up?"

Simon barked a little laugh at that. "I guess so," He shrugged. "I didn't really do anything to make it better. I think she just decided she wasn't mad at me anymore."

"You looked a little shinier next to the man threatening her life I imagine." She waited for his reaction and when he smiled Zoe allowed herself to laugh a little. After a moment Simon joined in.

"High standards." Simon chuckled.

"The highest." Zoe agreed sagely.

"She's just lonely." Simon mused as the laughter died away, a fond smile on his face. "I don't know that it's me specifically she's interested in. She's just dreaming of something different."

Zoe didn't know if she fully agreed with that interpretation of Kayleigh, but let it lie. The doctor's face told her he was clearly very fond of the mechanic. Perhaps more than Zoe might have thought given her first impressions of the boy...

"Don't take this the wrong way Doctor, and it isn't anything to me one way or the other, but is Kayleigh really the type of... _person_ you usually lean towards?"

Dead silence. Simon looked a little rattled. Zoe felt like clapping her hand over her damn mouth after the words came out. _Gorram_ drink had made her ask more than was strictly appropriate.

"I mean, well, what I _meant_ was-" She sputtered. Simon surprised her though by putting a placating hand up. His shock had worn off and he looked completely relaxed. She closed her mouth. Which was probably a good thing since she had no idea what she'd been about to say.

"Hmm," Simon replied thoughtfully. "It's been so long since I've considered anything, any _one._ Except for River. River's safety, River's physical health. River's _mental_ health, I don't know that I can start to..." he groaned, but seemed darkly mirthful rather than unhappy. "Is it fair to say I don't even _know_ anymore?"

Zoe nodded wordlessly. She hadn't meant to start this, but now that she had, the boy seemed willing to confide. She didn't want to ruin the moment by saying the wrong thing.

"I suppose... There was this one girl I met in Medacad, we were together for a year. It was good. _Really_ good. But then the letters... and I deciphered River's code. After that... well. Before that girl, there was this nurse from Londoninum and he... he was _very_..." He trailed off, clearly lost in good thoughts. When he looked up to see Zoe's raised eyebrows he blushed a little. He shrugged sheepishly. "There have been both I guess."

"I ain't trying to pry." Zoe reassured him. She hadn't been lying when she said it didn't matter one way or another.

"I know. It doesn't really matter anyway." He pinched his nose again, that weariness from before creeping back into his face. "I just haven't been able to allow myself to care about any of that for a long time."

Zoe nodded. _How sad._ Though she remembered feeling that way a bit too. Feeling that way a _lot_ actually. Until she met Wash. But if she'd met Wash in the middle of the war rather than long after... would they have made it to where they were? She'd like to think yes, but had a sneaking suspicion she might be wrong about that.

"The Captain is like that." Simon added suddenly. He observed Zoe's surprise "Not like... well I don't- I just meant he won't _allow_ himself to care, to take the things he wants. I don't know that he even knows what it is he wants, not really."

Zoe raised her eyebrows again but didn't comment. It didn't take great observation skills to see Mal's lone hero tendencies. Still, something about Simon's depth of understanding surprised her a little. The boy was more perceptive than she'd given him credit for.

"River will get better, she won't always need you for everything." Zoe reassured him. "There'll be time enough for you to figure it out. Your place here, who you are out here, what you want from life."

"That may be..." Simon admitted. "But we can't know for certain. Sometimes you never stop worrying about others enough to start worrying about yourself."

Zoe opened her mouth to argue, but knew she'd be arguing a lie. He was right, River may never be well enough. Simon may very well always have someone to look after. And he'd never stop sacrificing peace for himself to provide for her.

 _Just like the Captain._

"The Captain always says he just wants to keep flying." Zoe stated simply.

"Yes." Simon nodded thoughtfully. "And for now, that's enough."

 _Enough for the Captain. Enough for Simon. Enough for all of them. For now._

"I need sleep." Simon mumbled into his hands.

Zoe chuckled a bit and drained her mug. "You and me both, Doctor, you and me both."

"Simon." Zoe looked up to find Simon smiling at her. "Please. Call me Simon."

"Simon." She stood up and held out her hand. "Give me your cup, Simon." He placed it in her hand and she moved to wash it alongside hers. Then they walked together to their bunks.

"I hope you didn't mind the company." He said as they neared the entrance to hers and Wash's bunk.

"I didn't. Not by a long one at that."

"Me either." She reached to open the door as Simon continued on to the guest quarters where he still slept. "Goodnight."

"Zoe." He stopped. Zoe turned back.

"Please don't tell the Captain that I've been thinking about leaving. And maybe not the research either. I don't know that he'd understand."

She'd never understand why folk always tried to hide what was best of themselves. Qualities that showed how Simon had come to care for the safety of the crew and using his skills for good out here in the black, and he didn't want anyone to know.

"You're secret's safe with me."

"Thank you. For everything. Goodnight Zoe."

"Goodnight, Simon."

As she crawled into bed next to her sleeping husband, Zoe thought of that underlying defiance of the Captain in Simon. He had a strength to him that didn't lend well to being led, not for the long term anyway. He and his sister were here now, but for how long? What would truly bind Simon to Serenity? Would it be Kayleigh? Or something else? Someone else? She didn't know, but Zoe didn't think that would be something put to bed easily.

There were some hard roads ahead. They wouldn't keep her awake though. those were problems for another day. Tonight she had put some of her feelings for Tracey to rest. She could forgive him his weakness, for they all had the capacity to make mistakes. The mistakes he made wouldn't overshadow the friendship they had shared.

 _Goodbye Tracey._

They'd keep flying.


End file.
